Bittersweet

I wanted to be bitter.  I let myself feel resentment as I sat in church yesterday.  Yesterday was painful.  I didn't want to face yesterday.  Father's Day - a day of celebrating your dad.  Sure I could celebrate the memories I have but today that just didn't cut it.

I wanted Dad to be here in person.  I wished he were here filling the void, chasing away the empty ache.  I thought about the fun I used to have picking out a perfect Father's day card for him and how he loved the cards he got from his children.  I thought about how we always got together as a family Father's Day weekend to celebrate Father's day and Dad's birthday.

And I thought about the injustice of it all that some of the grandchildren will have no personal recollection of their grandpa.  I resented the fact that I was cheated out of years of advice for life that my others siblings got from him.

I sat in church and heard everyone refer to Father's day and I wondered if the youth around me knew just how privileged they were to still have their dads.  I wondered if they appreciated their dads' stability and protection and wisdom or if they, like me at their age, totally took their dad for granted and didn't realize how special their dads are.

But then I also thought of all the children who don't know who their dads are.  And I thought of those who wish they didn't know their dads because of what awful abuse they've received from their dads. And then I knew that I had to allow gratitude to flood my heart instead of bitterness and resentment.  Gratitude that God had given me the kind of dad who I would sorely miss when he was gone.  And that's when the day become not just bitter but also sweet.  I had memories of a dad who loved me, who took time for me, who showed me what it means to live entirely for Jesus.

I remembered the times he took me fishing and patiently pulled the fishing line out of the trees numerous times when as a little tyke, I was learning to cast.  I thought of the times he took me along on the truck and how he always stopped for ice cream or an iced tea.  I thought of when he helped me learn to ride bike.  And then of the time he brought home my first brand new bike at the ripe old age of 4.  And how when I wrecked it on my first trial run, he didn't yell at me for the forever bent wheel but instead straightened it the best he could and comforted my distress.  I remembered how I was bursting with pride when he taught me how to drive his two cylinder John Deeres and then how to operate the wheel loaders.  I remembered the many landscaping projects he helped me do and took time to explain the principles instead of just doing it himself.

I had lots of good memories flooding my pain-filled heart, but I also had remorse for the too many times that I bumped heads with Dad and let my temper rule the relationship.  I can rest in the fact though that yes we had our heated disagreements but we always reconciled after duking it out.

Even with all the good memories my day was still painful and I still longed to have Dad in person, to hear his voice, his whistle, and to see his smile once again.  To hear his wit and revel in his laughter, to hash things out with him and soak in his wisdom and insight.   I knew that my pain would only abate after I'd give my heavenly Father the bitter anger and resentment for my loss and allow Him to comfort my grief and catch my tears in His outstretched hands.  And when I allowed my grief-ravaged heart to rest in His presence, He was faithful in coming alongside of me and strengthening me in the midst of my pain and loss.

I don't know what it is that you may be grieving right now or what pain you may be facing but I urge you to go to your Father with it all.  He promises that He is there for us:
"The Lord who created you says: 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.  I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown!  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior....You are honored and I love you.'" (Isa 43:1-3,4b NLT)
Neither is He untouched by your grief.
"You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book."  (Psalm 56:8 NLT)

A song for my dad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7IbQyG9PL4

Addictions

Everyone is addicted to something.  Too strong of statement?  Maybe.  Honestly though, I'm not sure that it is.  We humans are made to crave.  Addiction is an innate drive for something.  This innate drive leads to compulsive behavior.

According to Psychology Today, most addictive behavior is not related to either physical tolerance or exposure to cues.  Rather, addiction is most commonly a reaction to emotional stress. Addiction is a wily vice.  It fools you into thinking that you are in control but in reality it's dictating your life with an iron rule.

We've been created with a vacancy deep in our soul.  A vacancy that then instigates an insatiable craving.  A craving that God intends for us to fill with Him.  But instead we look everywhere else for satisfaction.

Think about it...what is it that you feel you can't possibly do without?  Your phone, computer, movies, music, coffee, Mountain Dew, a caffeine fix, chocolate, food in general, shopping, words of affirmation, acceptance from your peer group, approval from your family, and the list could go on.  These things I just listed aren't wrong in and of themselves but it's when we need them in excess that the problem begins.  There's both minor and major addictions.  The major addictions are things such as porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gluttony, etc.

I've been battling a serious addiction for a couple of years.  At some points in the battle, I've been lackadaisical and cowardly; at other times I've been aggressively ambitious in fighting it.  Time and time again, I need to take myself to task.  How desperately I want to be free of my addiction determines how hard I fight against it.

The place of addiction can become comfortable and familiar.  It becomes our haven when life is too much to deal with.  Whatever our addiction may be, it becomes our god.  We turn to it instead of looking to God for help.  We then become self-sufficient.  We think we can handle life on our own and turn to our addiction anytime we feel the need for backup.  Addictions make us selfish because we focus more and more on how we can satisfy that craving.  Addiction when not dealt with becomes our master.

How would life change if we became "addicted" to good things?  Such as, God's approval in our life, the Bible, reaching out to others, and seeking God in every aspect of our life.  How would my life be different if I would consistently fill my inner craving with God instead of other things?

With Faces Unveiled

This morning I read 2 Corinthians 3:18 "We all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord,
are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another."

With unveiled face - This is the prerequisite for being able to behold the glory of God.  Is my face unveiled?  What veils have I gathered to myself?  Why do I feel as though I need to veil my face in the presence of God's glory?  More times than not, I have one of my veils in place when I come into God's presence.  The veil of shame is the one most often present.  But I have other veils layered over my face.  Pride, self-sufficiency, doubt, unbelief, and indifference.  I mistakenly believe that if I hide behind my veils, God won't see through my facades.  The veils don't hinder God from seeing my heart and reading my mind.  The veils do hinder His permeating love and mercy.  They hinder His forgiveness and tender work in my heart.  I tell myself that I am too unworthy to behold His glory.  This is true if I try to approach Him on my own.  But Jesus extends to me the invitation to come boldly in His name before the Father.  In the previous verses, Paul tells us that the veil is caused by a hardened heart and closed mind but it can be removed only by believing in Christ.  Jesus is the only solution for removing these veils that seem to be etched into my face like irreversible tattoos.

Beholding the glory of the Lord - Do I take time to do this?  Or is all my time in His presence spent fighting against the removal of my "protective" veils?  What does it mean to me personally to behold God's glory?  Once Jesus helps me remove those veils, do I lift up my eyes to behold God's face or do I sit with downcast eyes in His presence?  God's glory is life changing.  It transforms a person who spends time in His presence. The transformation is a slow process perhaps but all the same it is a measurable transformation according to this verse.  God longs to change us into the same image, an image that soaks up His glory and then reflects it to those around us.  Am I reflecting His glory or am I a distortion of it to those looking at my life?

I find it is one of the most challenging and yes, painful processes, this exercise of letting Jesus remove my self protection. And it seems when one layer comes off, He gently tugs at yet another layer, one that's embedded even deeper than the one He just peeled away.  I long to better behold my Father's glory and to learn to unveil my face in His presence and as I leave His presence to then authentically portray His image "from one degree of glory to another."

How To Pray For The Man Who Kills Babies

How To Pray For The Man Who Kills Babies
  

in light of my last post the blog linked here is worth reading.

Reactions to the Gosnell Trial

I don't know how many of you are aware of the murder trial going on in Philadelphia right now.  Dr Kermit Gosnell, he doesn't even deserve the title Doctor because of his actions, is on trial right now for his atrocious actions performed to babies in his abortion clinic.  I'm following this trial even though it makes me sick to the stomach.  To think that a human being can become so calloused to another life.  I think it is of special importance to me because I am currently doing the maternity/labor & delivery/pediatric rotation this spring for school.  I love the newborns and how they are such a living miracle, really.  I struggle to have a Christian attitude toward Gosnell but I remember that he too has a soul and God's heart aches for him to soften his heart and repent of his evil works.  Let's pray for justice but at the same time let's pray that somehow God's truth and light would reach this man's dark evil soul and he would repent while there is yet a chance.  And let's pray for those whose eyes may be open to how atrocious abortion is that they would realize there are other options available to take care of the life growing inside of them.

The link below is a stirring memoir of the infants whose lives Dr. Gosnell ended.

Spiritual Klutz: To the Infant Victims of Dr. Kermit Gosnell: This post is written in memory of the countless infants who were murdered at the hands of Dr. Kermit Gosnell, who is currently on trial in P...

Turning

Good morning and happy Monday!  Over the weekend, a theme kept recurring.  I attended a service at the Worship Center on Saturday night (they have an awesome worship band!).  One of the songs we sang was "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus".  The chorus is still running through my mind.
                          "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face
                            And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
                            In the light of His glory and grace"
I don't know about you but often times I find myself shying away from looking full in Jesus' face.  I feel far too dirty to have the courage to look into His eyes.  Why am I afraid to look into His face?  I think it's because I half-ways believe the lie that Satan feeds me.  The lie that Jesus' eyes are full of condemnation and disgust for the sinner that I am.  I know it's a lie because Jesus said that He came for the sinner, the sick, and the hurting.  In the thick of the battle, I lack the faith I need to refute Satan's lies.  My prayer is that Jesus would strengthen my unbelief and help me claim His promises without wavering.
I have this inkling that if I would focus on Jesus' face with all the intensity of attention I can muster, it's then that I will find the strength and courage to rise above Satan's lies and to rise above the stresses of life.  If I don't fix my eyes on Him, I will be like Peter and start sinking in this tumultuous sea called life.
My challenge for this week is to discipline myself to look full in Jesus' wonderful face.

Another song that I like that talks about turning to Jesus:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfiPlcuuHhc

"Ramifications of Grace"

The other weekend I heard a talk by Shane Claiborne on the ramifications of Grace.  My mind has been cogitating this anomaly of grace.  I for one take it for granted.  I discovered that I'm not daily overwhelmed by this grace extended to me.  I should be daily overflowing with the grace of Jesus given to me at the start of every new day. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

What would change in my life if I would daily recognize the ramification of grace in my life?  Do I allow grace to impact me?  If no, why not?  Do I extend grace to others because of the ramifications in my life?  What is grace?  What does grace mean to me?

Grace is defined as the unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification.  Archaic definition of grace is interchangeable with the words mercy and pardon.  In his talk, Shane gave some examples of grace from an experience of a criminal in prison for life.  This man had been convicted of first degree murder and would have been sentenced to death.  But the family of the victim were Christians and they refused to press the death sentence for this man.  Humanly speaking, the victim's family would have had every right to see their loved one's death vindicated by the death of this man.  But they chose instead to exemplify Jesus and His grace.  The criminal was so moved by the grace and forgiveness extended to him that he became a Christian through the whole experience.  Question is: could I have been that gracious?  Am I that quick to extend grace in the moment by moment everyday experiences in my life?  Are others touched by God's grace through my life?

Grace wears many different faces in my life.  Grace is feeling God's presence when I'm trying to curl up within myself and shut everything out, even Him.  Grace is the freeing of my spirit when I repent of my sin and know that God has forgiven me.  Grace is the "Neither do I condemn you" moments with Jesus.  Grace is the Holy Spirit speaking to me when I seek God's face.  Grace is feeling the Everlasting arms wrapped around me when I am hurting and grieving the loss of my dad.  Grace is the Spirit putting my groanings to the Father into words.  Grace is Jesus pleading my case with the Father when I fall into sin again and again.  Grace is the dawning of a new day.  Grace is the horse kiss that my horse gives me even though I've been too busy to spend enough time with her.  Grace is the loyalty of my dog's happy greetings every morning when I'm still too asleep to be excited over her.  Grace is in every moment of my life.

How will I allow grace to impact me today?  How will I impact others with God's grace flowing through me?