CHANGE!!!!

I am excited to announce that I've moved my blog. 

Please visit me over at 

http://saraspeculating.wordpress.com/

Of Life and Chaos

                                                              Photo credit: AnnVoskamp.com

Life is messy.  Can I just get an "Amen" to that?  Or is it just me?  

There's all this hype about a new year, a clean slate, new opportunities, etc, etc.  I don't know about you but I for one will freely admit that I freak out at the beginning of a new year. It looks like this clean slate that you're completely terrified of smudging up.  Smudging beyond hope of an eraser's capabilities. 

I suppose the word I'm feeling is inadequate.  
My life looks like a mess most days and I feel like I'm just blowing it.  

For example, at the beginning of this brand new year of 2014 I decided to make it a goal to finally read the entire Bible in one year's time.  In order to follow the plan I'm utilizing I would need to read four chapters a day, give or take.  Not a big deal, right?  

Who doesn't have time to read four chapters a day?  Cue: sheepish hand raising on my part...I have fallen behind by eight days and we're only in the first month!

I'll be honest with you - I don't do well with lump sum reading when it comes to the Bible.  I get hung up on this phrase or that word and I start chasing down rabbit trails of cross references and Greek origins and Hebrew meanings.  And I don't suppose there's anything wrong with a thorough approach to studying the Word that way.  

But you want to guess what the devil and/or the inner critic does with that?  It goes something like this: "Come on, you can't even be disciplined enough to stick with a plan for a week?  What kind of Christian are you that you can't even spend enough time to read four chapters of God's Word a day?"

I shy away from this type of speed reading though because for too many years that's the approach I had to worship time with God.  I thought it all depended on how many verses you got read as to how well God enjoyed spending time with you.  And I think there's this part of me that's saying hey don't go back to the speed reading where you merely saw the words but they didn't have a changing power in your life.  Now I'd much rather take little bites of a verse and cogitate on it for awhile and allow it to soak in and penetrate this hard-headed, stubborn-hearted being of mine.

At the start of a new year, I have this rose-colored view that this year I'm going to be more organized.  I'm going to plan out my day versus running ragged all day trying to catch up.  That's not going so well either. Already this year, there doesn't seem to be enough hours in a day.  That exhausted feeling when you finally crash into bed with eyes mere slits anymore.  And you wonder why it is you're so tired because you think back over the day and you don't think you got anything crossed off on your pre-planned schedule.  So where did the day go?  

I'm trying to stop myself to reorient in all this chaos called life.  And I'm trying to focus on where God is in all of this. Is He the one making demands on my weary soul or am I trying to earn His love?  Did you know you don't have to earn anything when it comes to your relationship with God?  What good is the day if it was spent running frantically from demands to distractions if I missed the still small voice of God wooing me to Him?  What did I accomplish if I didn't take time to sit and listen to God?  Why have we made it all about performance when really God's all about worship?  

No matter how much I dash frantically about, I cannot clean up my own messy life.  The only way my messy life will be changed is through sitting with Jesus and allowing Him to align the chaos.  It doesn't matter if I get four chapters of the Bible read today, if in that speed reading I didn't take time to hear Him speaking that one phrase, that change, into my life.  It doesn't matter if I'm organized, if in that organization I became a Levite that passes by a beaten-up, dying soul.  It doesn't matter if my performance is stellar, if in that performance I became so frustrated that I exploded instead of saying a kind word to that parched heart.  

Life may be chaotic and messy but I have the Creator intimately involved in my life.  My Creator took darkness and fashioned out a miraculous world with just His voice!  My Creator who formed me knows my make-up and knows how to redeem my chaotic soul into His likeness, His plan for me.  This year may be a clean slate but I will smudge it if I don't depend on my Redeemer to dictate what I write in my story this year. And so with my Savior's help, I want to use this year to focus.  Focus on what He is speaking to me.  Focus on where He is leading me.  Focus on what He has planned for me.  Focus most importantly on Who my God is to me and Who He wants to be to me.  Then life will be manageable however chaotic and messy it may feel.

Holidays with a Hurting Heart

                                                       Photo credit: http://www.aholyexperience.com/

This holiday season, I’m just going to be honest – it’s been brutal. 

I long for the holidays of childhood where all was excitement and dazzling wonder. 

Untainted by grief, the holidays were much anticipated in earlier years.  But now, grief shadows the holidays and wrecks the innocence of wonder. 

My heart cries, “O come, O come, Emmanuel!” 

Emmanuel – God with us. 

When Death stalks our days? 

When Death snatches our loved ones with no apology?

 God with us – when freak accidents steal away a spiritual mentor, a Gospel warrior, and a dear friend? 

God with us – even in the midst of painful sorrow? 

My heart says “yes, God is here.”  But still my soul aches. 

In the wake of a tragic accident that stole a close missionary friend of mine from this earth, my soul aches for those of us left behind.  

Where to find the stamina to pick up the pieces and enter the fray again? 

What do you say to a woman who just lost her husband, her best friend, her dreams for the future?  

What do you say to a woman who had no idea in the morning that by noon her life would be completely turned upside down?

What do you say to your friend who's sobbing on your shoulder - what do you say to make her feel better?

What do you say when there are no words to make sense of it all? 

What do you say when your heart is sobbing with hers at the harshness of death?

How do you go on with your day to day life when you can't get the echo of your friend's sobs out of your ears?

How do you pray best for her when your soul can't even find words to express the groanings deep within?

How do you wrap her in your love and care when life has you physically miles apart?

How do you encourage her to have faith and trust in God if yours feels pretty depleted?

How do you explain to a nonbeliever why this tragically widowed woman can sing “God is so good” when she just said an unexpected goodbye to her husband of thirty some years?

By all human standards, it seems as though Emmanuel hasn’t come; Christmas joy is elusive; the happenings of this world have slipped out of God’s hands; life is all tears and no laughter. 

But yet, praise God!, Emmanuel did come!  God with us – here.  Stirring in our hearts a longing for something deeper, instilling peace beneath the pain, raising our tear-stained faces to gaze at the Morning Star, guiding us closer to the Jesus come to experience our grief, calling us to a greater trust through the unexplained disappointments, reminding us that God alone knows the number of our days. 

Only God can use a tragedy to bring peace, a death to bring glory, an accident to spread the Gospel.  Only God can whisper over us a soothing balm, bathing us in His love, even now when hearts are torn, empty arms are aching, and eyes are brimming with tears. 

Emmanuel – God with us.  Peace and joy to grieving souls.  God with us – the only reason we have a season worth celebrating.  God with us – the only hope of better days to come.  God with us – the only comfort that strengthens us for the days to come.  God with us – the only promise of tomorrow.  God with us – the only healing for grief torn souls.  God with us – the only power for our weakness.  God with us – the only love worth trusting.  God with us – the only shelter for all of life.


P.S. Here is a link over to the story of the untimely death of my missionary friend: http://hoc-haiti.org/hoc/?page_id=7

Tree

Five minute Friday with Lisa Jo Baker (http://lisajobaker.com/).  The word for this week: Tree

“You can let go now, Daddy”  Crystal Shawanda sings this song. "You Can Let Go Now, Daddy"

And it always take me back to 5 year old me and my brand new bike.  Without training wheels.

At the top of the big long hill……and a massive old tree in line with the bottom of that big hill.

Dad had just come home with my first new bike.  I was like a kid on Christmas morning.

I was ready to strike out all on my own.

“Let go Dad!”  my overconfident little self shouted.  And  off I went…

Down the hill……

In a straight trajectory toward our massive old maple tree

In my excitement, I forgot how to brake.  I never thought of swerving.  I was paralyzed with fear of the monstrous tree looming in my path.

I’m grown now.  No longer quite as confident about taking on the world by myself like my 5 year old persona was.

 

But still I do the same thing – I tell God “Let go, I got this.”  Only to head straight for that debilitating disaster in my path.  

Like my dad, God stands watch but unlike my dad, God can catch me in time to rescue me from a bent frame.  He’s ready to be my Brake, I just gotta shout out that I can’t do this on my own. 

Don’t let go, God!

And like the song, I too had to tell my Daddy good-bye and tell him he can let go and leave this earth.  This week two years ago, I let go of his hand.  Death took him away from me. 

And now I hang on tighter to God as I walk this valley of grief.  He keeps me from crashing into the trees of cheated anger and bitter sorrow.

Picture credit: Google Images

Waste Places

Desolate.  Arid.  That place where your soul is parched.  You feel the cracks widening across the landscape of your heart.

 

You think you are all alone.  

Forsaken.  

No one understands.  

No one knows how you feel. 

On the outside, you brighten your smile.  You convince yourself and others that you have never been greater than you are presently. 

But you see that haunting plea mirrored in your eyes every morning.  Will someone please enter my desert with me? 

This desert – it breeds despair.  It courts defeat.  

In this desert, the wind of the tempter’s whisper brushes your ear.  

You begin to listen to these whispers.  

And you spiral down into the vortex of lies. 

And the dry cracks are ever widening. 

Dear soul, Jesus knows that desert you are in.  Jesus journeyed in a desert too.  He’s not blinded by your smile.  He hears the unspoken cry of desperation.  He sees the ever-widening cracks spider-webbed across your heart. 

You’re afraid of these arid cracks.  Jesus steps right into them and fills them.  He’s not afraid of your desert.  There - in that desert?  That’s where Jesus thrives. 

Isaiah 51:3  For the Lord comforts Zion; He comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song.

Dear one, hear me when I say:  It’s okay if you can’t find joy and gladness right now.  You are not less of a believer if you can’t find your voice of song.

  

Right now?  Just rest.  BE.  Be that waste place that Jesus comforts.  

That’s all that’s required of you. 

That voice?  That song?  It will come.  When?  I wish I could tell you soon but I can’t say.  I don’t know when your desert will become vibrant and lush with joy and gladness.  It may take days, months, maybe even years.

You just be in Jesus and He will take it from there. 

Don’t hinder yourself and God by self-imposed time limits on navigating through this desert.  Whether it is the desert of loss, grief, rejection, depression, doubt, pain, anger, loneliness, uncertainty, maybe just the day-to-day frustrations.

Whatever the name of your desert, my friend, Jesus finds you there.  Other hearts reach out to you there.  

You. Are. Not. Alone.  

We’ve all got our deserts.  

You are understood.  

You are loved.

Now just BE.  

Be redeemed in your waste places. 

Be comforted in your desert.  

Be loved in your desert.  

By Jesus who says, “Be in Me.”

Photo Credit: Google Images

Two Words with a "C"

     

                               
                           "God doesn't condone but neither does He condemn."
                                                                                                        --Pastor Steven Furtick

I had clinicals this past weekend so I couldn't make it to church.  I was feeling empty this morning when I woke up.  I went online in search of a sermon to listen to while I did my secretary duties.  I stumbled across sermons from Elevation Church.  I will definitely be tuning into more of their sermons.  Check them out sometime at http://elevationchurch.org/

This one phrase stuck out to me.  "God doesn't condone but neither does He condemn."  Both words start with "c" but can have totally opposite effects on a person.  Condoning encourages the sin.  Condemning demoralizes the sinner.

Condoning offers a misplaced complacency.  Condoning mistakenly assumes that God is merely a God of love when in truth He is also a God of judgment and a God of consequences for sin.  Condoning tells you there's no need to change when in reality, change is essential to your soul's very life.

Condemnation causes the sinner to lose hope.  Condemnation says you're hopeless.  Condemnation screams shame relentlessly in your ear.  Condemnation makes you lie down in front of the train instead of picking yourself up and doing the repentance walk forward to your Savior.  Condemnation is the effective approach of your soul's enemy.  Condemnation hisses that it's no use, you'll never change; you'll never be good enough; you'll never be washed clean.  Condemnation insists God isn't enough; Jesus didn't die to save you because you're too dirty for Him to save.  Condemnation keeps your eyes cast down in order to prevent you from seeing your Father's look of mercy and grace.  Condemnation clenches your fist and stiff-arms you from reaching out and grasping Jesus' outstretched hand.  Condemnation holds you captive to a sin that Jesus gives you the power to cast away from you.

I don't know about you but I am so grateful that my God doesn't condemn me when I fall.

The truth that Jesus says to me, "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more" has made all the difference in my battle to live in righteousness.  If you doubt my confidence in this Jesus of mine and His merciful forgiveness, turn to John 7:53 - 8:11.  A woman who was caught in the scandalous act of adultery was dragged into the presence of Jesus.  Talk about shame and disgrace meeting righteousness and holiness. This kind of scandalous behavior was punishable by death according to the Law God had given His people. Surely if Jesus was who He claimed to be He would be the first to throw a stone at this woman, or so her "pious" accusers thought.  But thank God, they were so wrong!  Jesus did no such thing.  He didn't even raise His voice at her and ream her out, wondering how she could possibly have thought of doing something like that!  Instead, Jesus extended His forgiveness to her.  He also required of her to not go back to that kind of behavior but the important part is that He forgave her.  How much more should we, who can not see the heart of a person, extend grace to those caught in scandalous acts!

How many times have I condemned myself, too proud to accept Jesus' unfailing forgiveness?  How many times have I haughtily looked down my nose at someone who I considered a scandalous sinner?  When in truth, I am no better than they.  We all are in desperate need of Jesus' extended hand of mercy and forgiveness, whether or not we allow ourselves to be dragged into His presence.

Another thing I see is that this woman did not need to first go home and clean herself up before coming into Jesus' presence.  She came with the stains of sin still embedded in her.  She came disheveled by her sin.  She came dirty.  Jesus didn't flinch; Jesus didn't turn away from her in disgust.  How many times have I slunk away from my sin to huddle in a corner with my back to Jesus trying desperately to scrub away my filth?  I can never clean myself up.  There's no need to clean myself up before I come to Jesus.  Jesus came to clean me up; He didn't come to inspect my ability to clean myself up.  Listen my friend, if you're waiting till you're cleaner to come to Jesus in repentance....Stop waiting!  The time to come to Jesus is right after you've dirtied yourself with sin!  Don't wait!  Waiting only gives sin more power over you.  Waiting only embeds the sin deeper in you.  Waiting only makes the stains all the more dried on.

"Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more."  Those have got to be some of the sweetest words recorded.  They have made all the difference to me in my journey to freedom from my sin and filth.

Where Am I Going?

                          “God doesn't want to take you where you can go; 

                              He wants to take you where you can’t go.”

I don’t know what your reaction is to that statement but I cringed when the pastor said those words yesterday.  That’s some pretty scary business right there.  It was amazing how rapidly my mind came up with excuses not to take that to heart.  See that's what we as humans do best - make excuses.  But we don't call them that.  We call it caution; we call it being practical; we call it being moderate in the Lord.  God forbid, after all, that we should be radical Christians.  Let's face it folks, Jesus was a radical in His day - why do we think that we don't need to be radical in our walk with Him?

I'll be the first to admit that being radical makes me want to run and hide. Radical isn't mainstream.  Radical isn't fitting in; radical is standing out, being different.  But isn't that what God is calling us to?  He wants take us where we can't go on our own because there we have no need of Him.  But if we allow Him to take us where there's no way we can go on our own; it's there in that place that God can work.  His work, not my work or your work.  There. In that place. It's about Him. Not us.

We were having a discussion in Sunday school yesterday about reckless abandon. The focus was on the old familiar story of David and Goliath.  Was David being reckless in going out against the giant?  If you're in a solid relationship with God and you know without a doubt that He's calling you to something...is there then such a thing as reckless abandon?  Is it reckless if God is calling you to it?  Did David put God on the spot there by declaring that God would go with Him in battle? Can God be put on the spot?

What do you do if you feel God calling you to go where you can't go and there's people who try to dissuade you, like Saul and the soldiers did with David? What if trusted authorities don't agree with your calling?  Should you still go?  Or what if they try to suit you up like they did David only to find out that the suiting up does nothing but hinder you in your calling?  Do you, like David, toss off the conventional and go out with no armor, trusting in God to be your armor?  Or do we use that dissuasion as our cop-out to avoid going with God where we can't go?  Do we soothe our conscience by telling ourselves that the older, wiser, seasoned authorities don't think we're capable so we must have just been imagining that God was calling us to go?  

I know I've got a lot of thinking to do.  And examining my life to see where God might be trying to lead me where I can't go but is hindered by my resistance. 

My prayer for you this week is that you would go where God wants you to go. Go where you can't possibly go in your own strength.  GO!!